"Hi Rich,
There is ongoing tension between me and a colleague and it keeps spilling into meetings. I won’t overshare, but we have never really gotten along. I can’t point to one big moment that started it, more a slow build of him becoming increasingly hostile.
It is petty, childish stuff. Talking behind my back. Ignoring emails. Little digs in meetings. At one point he even threw my pens in the trash. Real middle school behaviour.
I am not someone who enjoys confrontation and, honestly, it is starting to get under my skin. It is affecting the atmosphere, my focus, and I have caught myself dreading Sunday evenings, which feels ridiculous to admit when I am almost 30. The only support I get from colleagues is the odd eye roll or quiet arm around the shoulder when he is within ear shot.
It has got to the point where I am genuinely wondering whether it is easier to leave than keep dealing with it."
Ade, Atlanta
Rich’s reply
I am irritated on your behalf, Ade.
You, quite rightly, thought you’d left this sort of thing behind you when you graduated from high school. But nope, the workplace has bullies too.
The danger with pathetic behaviour like this is not just the behaviour itself. It is what it turns you into. You start replaying conversations. You become guarded in meetings. You either avoid them, overcompensate, or find yourself biting your lip. None of which you should be made to do.
The fact you are dreading Sunday evenings is not trivial. That is your nervous system telling you something is wrong. Work should stretch you, challenge you, even frustrate you at times. It should not make you anxious before the week has even started.
An important caveat. I always give advice from the heart, as a real human being, based on my own experiences. I say it how I see it. Feel free to ignore it. I also know it can feel especially uncomfortable in corporate America to raise interpersonal issues without worrying you will be labelled “difficult”.
First, ground yourself. Your job is to stay professional, protect your performance, and not let one person derail your reputation or your enjoyment of the work.
Before you do anything else, keep your own house in order. Stay calm in meetings. Stick to facts. Do not get drawn into side battles or passive aggressive exchanges. If needed, quietly keep a record of incidents so you are clear on what is actually happening, not just how it feels. Dates, meetings, behaviour, impact. That may come in very handy later.
Then, rather than going straight to him, I would start with your line manager.
Not an emotional unloading. Not a therapy session. Calm, factual, and adult.
Frame it as a team issue, not a personality clash. Something along the lines of:
"I feel there is ongoing tension between me and X and I think it is starting to affect me and the team. There are side comments, being ignored on email, and behaviour that feels unprofessional. I am not trying to make this personal, but it is starting to impact the dynamic in the room. I would really value your help in looking out for it and shutting it down."
You are doing three important things there.
You are describing behaviour, not attacking character.
You are explaining impact on you AND the team.
You are asking for support, not permission to fight back.
Once you have raised it, it is no longer “your problem with him”. It becomes a leadership problem. And that is exactly where it belongs.
You are not there to fix someone else’s personality. You are there to do your job in an environment that is adult, respectful, and safe to operate in.
If your manager handles it well, great. If they minimise it or ignore it and the behaviour continues, that tells you something important about the culture you are in and what it tolerates.
And that, in the end, is what should inform whether you stay or look for something new.
Onwards.
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